Over the last few days, I have been reading.
Reading old emails and exchanges, years old text messages from numbers now lost to the dark corners of mind (and most certainly deleted out of the perfect recall of my contact list!), and there are some conclusions that can be drawn from all that truth, all those words, all those facts:
- I am actually a better human being than I thought
- I am actually a worse human being than I thought
- I have done too many things, over and over again, and expected a different outcome
Therefore, once you:
- See the pattern
- Know the pattern
Then you can stop repeating the pattern.
I need to stop.
I need to:
- Stop running to KOL immediately after a breakup (she is real, but not real, and it is time to let it go)
- Stay in therapy past the point when I feel “better” (because better is not a point in time, better is always going to be a battle to reset/mitigate all the behaviors and habits I’ve done for 20+ years to subdue my attachment system)
- Stop creating ultimatum situations in my intimate relationships because everybody loses
- Start listening with not just my head, but with my heart, too
- Start taking more personal time to de-stress (swimming, long walks, listening to rainstorm soundtracks)
- Stop using travel, hobbies, and alcohol as numbing agents
- Stop dramatizing and/or catastrophizing my intimate relationships
- Start listening to my gut
- Stop trying to control every single outcome
- Start exercising patience
That is the list of a lifetime. It is a constant gardening situation. As I’ve said, I’ve had 20+ years of behaviors and habits that have led me to this point — I suspect that it will take me at least half that time to get a good handle on it.
But, that is the choice. I can stay where I am; it’s still better than it was before (I see the pattern, I know the pattern) or I can do the hard work to stop the pattern and have a happier life for it.