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musings

It’s not about you

The past few days have been a hell of a roller coaster…and you know what? I hate roller coasters.

I like to be in control. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m a control freak — no, I can relinquish my grip at times (yes, you can drive the car; no, I don’t mind doing Thai again for dinner tonight; yes, it’s fine if we watch this show that you’re watching and I’m not) — I can be flexible, but it is not nearly as easy as I would like it to be.

That’s the problem with spending too many years by yourself and independent. You learn to rely on yourself. It’s a necessary skill. It’s required for your survival. It also doesn’t teach you to share (easily), to bend (easily), to let someone else take the wheel.

See: my hatred of roller coasters.

Therefore, with my relationships, I like to be the one doing the dumping. I like to be the one deciding whether or not we stay together. I like to be the one calling for reconciliation (which I never do, not really).

But, this time, maybe it’s because I decided on two things:

  1. To sit with my feelings instead of attempting to numb them through drinking, Tinder, and bad behavior.
  2. That if there was any chance of a real reconciliation, it would require me to be as mentally, emotionally, and physically fit as possible…because, if anything, it is going to be a long, long ride, and I won’t be the one in control of it.

All of that has finally let something seep into my head and my heart like never before: it is not just about me. It is not just about what I want and what I need. It is not just about my feelings.

If you want to build a life with someone, it has to be about them, too, and about the two of you together. It needs to be about an “us.”

And the best thing I can do for this possible us is bring the best bits of myself:

  • Not the broken, numb, and hungover
  • Not the desperate
  • Not the controlling and angry
  • Not the false front, the bravado, not the “A-game” (emp. on game)

Instead:

  • My head (mind), heart (emotion), and hands (body)
  • My vulnerability, faith, and resiliency
  • My honesty and truth

All of me, no games, no manipulations, no false charm, no reservations. All of me, all of me.

I hate roller coasters. Always have, always will, but I am willing to get back on this one.
(Someone, drop the bar and let’s launch this ride again)

 

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About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.

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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

September 2016
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