The past few days have been a hell of a roller coaster…and you know what? I hate roller coasters.
I like to be in control. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m a control freak — no, I can relinquish my grip at times (yes, you can drive the car; no, I don’t mind doing Thai again for dinner tonight; yes, it’s fine if we watch this show that you’re watching and I’m not) — I can be flexible, but it is not nearly as easy as I would like it to be.
That’s the problem with spending too many years by yourself and independent. You learn to rely on yourself. It’s a necessary skill. It’s required for your survival. It also doesn’t teach you to share (easily), to bend (easily), to let someone else take the wheel.
See: my hatred of roller coasters.
Therefore, with my relationships, I like to be the one doing the dumping. I like to be the one deciding whether or not we stay together. I like to be the one calling for reconciliation (which I never do, not really).
But, this time, maybe it’s because I decided on two things:
- To sit with my feelings instead of attempting to numb them through drinking, Tinder, and bad behavior.
- That if there was any chance of a real reconciliation, it would require me to be as mentally, emotionally, and physically fit as possible…because, if anything, it is going to be a long, long ride, and I won’t be the one in control of it.
All of that has finally let something seep into my head and my heart like never before: it is not just about me. It is not just about what I want and what I need. It is not just about my feelings.
If you want to build a life with someone, it has to be about them, too, and about the two of you together. It needs to be about an “us.”
And the best thing I can do for this possible us is bring the best bits of myself:
- Not the broken, numb, and hungover
- Not the desperate
- Not the controlling and angry
- Not the false front, the bravado, not the “A-game” (emp. on game)
- My head (mind), heart (emotion), and hands (body)
- My vulnerability, faith, and resiliency
- My honesty and truth
All of me, no games, no manipulations, no false charm, no reservations. All of me, all of me.
I hate roller coasters. Always have, always will, but I am willing to get back on this one.
(Someone, drop the bar and let’s launch this ride again)