Three days ago, I made a supplication for an ending, for a final decision in this situation that I’ve been entangled in since just about a year ago. I didn’t know who was listening, but–
I don’t think there is any need, here, for me to talk in detail about what was ultimately a private, necessary conversation. That said, what I do want to be open about — more for me than for anyone else — are some truths, some home truths, which I took from this. Lessons that I hope have not just been etched, but have been carved, branded even! into my heart and my mind.
These ‘truths’ are truths only for me, but they exist.
1. I wasn’t honest upfront. I met her on a lark. I met her in spite of KOL that night! I didn’t see her as a distraction, no, but I was drunk and untethered, and it felt like an amusement, a passing spring rain, a fancy. I never expected her to respond to my text — I never expected us to keep talking — I expected none of this and for a little bit of time even after the start, my heart was otherwise occupied even if I didn’t act on it.
2. The only thing scarier than us not working was us actually working. I have spent years mastering the art of keeping people in their designated boxes in my life and G-d forbid they ever move from one to the other or even know that they’ve been so duly assigned. The thought, even now, puts a slight twist of anxiety in my gut, that I would have to a) live with someone, b) compromise with someone, c) so on, and so on, and so on… No, it was easy for me to say “no, this doesn’t scare me”, but my actions did speak louder than my words.
3. I was subconsciously engaged in an “arms race”. I wasn’t aware of it, but the combination of my best friend getting married, my brother’s upcoming nuptials, my own third decade on this earth, and multiple engagements, gestations, and ‘moving-in relationshipping’, damaged a part of me. I wasn’t ready for all that then and still not ready for it now, but I thought I was and there is nothing more dangerous than ‘belief without substance’…
4. I needed to speak more and accede less. Power dynamics will screw you up. I’ve been blessed in my life and I’m not naive – I recognize it and I’ve spent far too much time/ways apologising for it. It is nearly always a deep, deep skew in my supposed ‘favor’. However, the deeper the skew, the quicker and more dangerous the slide, and once you’re in the slide, it’s almost impossible to stop. I bit my tongue; I held back on things; I let myself be run ragged; I let things go that were the wrong things to let go, and that’s all because I felt the need to “make things equal”. Eventually, all the things you choke down…
5. I was enough–I still am. I spent so much time trying to impress her, to prove that even though I was older, I was still “cool”. That even though I was “super-intellectual”, I could be really “down to earth”. Always, always, I tried to be more this than that, to be more that than this; to roll with the punches, the kicks, and the– It’s exhausting! And it’s painful as you par yourself down… Sometimes we get so used to earning things we forget that some things need not ever be earned. They are deserved for simply being alive, for being a human being, for being, well, you.
To someone who despises confrontation in the private affairs of life, the incidences of yesterday were indecencies — they were ugly, disgusting, and disappointing. Yet, to someone who previously thought those things, the incidences of yesterday were nothing short of great, personal triumph.
I am that same someone.
It matters not the outcome: her and I, barring professional or random circumstance, have no reason for our paths to ever cross again. There are no parallels to be found here.
Instead, I can do but one thing: salute our “ghost ship“. May its journey fare well.
May our individual and severed and separate journeys fare us well, too.
Update, Summer 2015
I rarely take things back, but this, I must. I no longer wish her well; I cannot. Unfortunately, it was brought to my attention (most unwillingly) that this was soured from the start, that she was unworthy from the beginning, trifling with my heart and my time, engaged in the continued seduction of another…
No, I do not wish her well. I rescind that graciousness because while I do not wish her poorly, I cannot sustain good words either.
My head remains unbowed.