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essays, musings

A repose

Recently, as I think it’s rather evident to most everyone, I have been meditating on the themes of fear and happiness, of intimacy, both erotic and non, family, faith, friends, and how those things coalesce (a most beautiful word that describes a most beautiful, alchemic thing) to form our lives.

And what are our lives? Nothing less, and most certainly more, they are the sum of our relationships and ourselves. Family, friends, work, community, purpose. Those things are outworkings, and the drivers, both the chicken and the egg, of relationship and self, interaction and the consciousness.

I have been meditating on life.

I have been meditating on life because mine, most explicitly in recent months, but I can now acknowledge for most, if not all, of my twenties and a good amount of my teen years, has felt, has been broken. Cleaved down the middle. Torn and cracked; shards and duct tape.

Life is made of many parts, many gears, like the gears of a clock. And when certain ones fail, sometimes the clock keeps going — falisafes, you know, are built in to the best of clocks, and isn’t human life the greatest engineering (either creative or accidental, lady’s choice!) feat of all? — but the weight, the effort, is now shifted to other gears. And it can be uneven. And that means it’s only a matter of time before the next one fails, and the weight shifts more, and grows more misaligned and–

Do you get where I am going? Some of my gears weren’t running, or stopped, and I didn’t notice, didn’t get them fixed, didn’t tinker and correct and restore them back their working states, and so uneven wear and tear set in, and more things kept breaking or slowing, grinding to the inevitable halt, but the clock, me, I kept going, and going, until one day, I hit a wall.

I couldn’t move.

My clock had stopped. It needed to go into the shop.

So, that’s why I have been meditating on these themes, that is why I am now given over to deep consideration, time and full attention, to my life, because I need to get these gears back in order. It is not a complete loss, all slag, but I know there are some which may never work again. Therefore, there will always be some which must work a little harder, will need more maintenance as time goes on, because they must bear the extra brunt, and so I will always be a little to the left, maybe a little slow, perhaps a second or two behind in some instances, a second or two ahead in others.

That’s okay. That’s a human life. Everyone is different, every clock is different, but the most important thing is to give due heed to your maintenance. It is to give due heed to how you let fear rule or not rule your life, how that results in more or less contentment, happiness, how to manage your anxieties, how to find real security, building community, investing in your relationships and so being renewed by them, the acceptance of the erotic shadow, the embrace and indulgence in true intimacy, and the sorting of all of that out — the balancing!– getting all the gears you have left moving in concert, moving you forward and onward.

I meditate on life because I want to live my life.
(So, please, stay with me, because that’s the only way that this works.)


About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.


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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

March 2014
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