I have never lost my faith. I don’t even think it’s possible, that the power is in me, that I am capable of losing my faith. It is as much a part of me as the bones that hold me up, the skin that keeps it all together, the air that keeps me alive.
And yet, at least today, at this exact point, I have no vision of me ever stepping foot again in any place of worship, most especially not the one which made me.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
The problem, with believing and yet not doing, with not having a disagreement and yet still not conforming, is that you are left in this curious state of “between”. The people that love you, your community, they obviously cannot be seen to be close to you. And the people that love you, outside of your community, they want to embrace you, they can be seen to be close to you, but there are conversations you cannot have, things you cannot talk about, things you cannot admit to believing (oh, this world which has made things more black and white than they ought to be) and so sometimes, you are silenced.
I feel silenced because I can neither profess nor deny my faith. I cannot proselytize; I cannot diminish or denigrate. I must simply keep my silence and the words, all of them, bubble up inside of me, lava locked in a human cage, burning and biting at the bits, and I must simply take that, keep that pain inside, keep silent.
It is a choice, I know, a choice to live this sort of half-life. I could make it easier, could lie to either side about the depth of, or lack thereof, my faith; lie about how much I align, or don’t align, to the ways in which I am living my life —
I could lie. That I have the power to do. That I am capable of.
But, I don’t want to, I don’t want to lie. I am a homosexual. I will never not be that. I want to live a full life: meet someone, get married, have kids, make a family. I believe in and love God. I pray. I miss being part of not just any religious community, but specifically the one in which I was raised, and that community does not, and never will, support living a full life as a homosexual, and that religious community will never accept me. I will remain an outsider, an outcast.
I still have not lost my faith.