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No more apologies

Last night, someone called me high-maintenance and questioned my ability to be intimate and display affection. In the moment, I was offended, insulted even…but after an awkward text conversation and a ragged (yet still definitive) permanent parting of ways and involvement, the feelings of offense had become mixed with mild, but genuine, hurt.

You see, I am tired of apologizing.

am a person who enjoys nice things, but I’m not materialistic nor do I expect anyone that I become involved with to “keep me” in that style. I have worked hard in a not so easy industry for a number of years and I will not apologize for the freedoms and enjoyments that have been the result of that hard work and effort.

In addition, I grew up under the mighty hand of a mighty G-d, and I am cautious to remember that “he that is standing should be wary that he does not fall” and so I check my feet all of the time. All that I have can be taken away from me; nothing in this life is guaranteed from one day to the next, so while we may have what seem to be vastly different stations in life, we all live upon the precipices of time and unforseen occurrences.

Therefore, please, stop throwing “value bombs” at me, undeserved pejoratives! Don’t judge me on the surface — there is so much more beneath.

Secondly, and perhaps most hurtfully, why does “my love” need to look like “your love”? I’ve asked this question before in a different context, but it still stands. So I am not ‘over the top’ and perhaps I am not “in love with love” — being reserved or cautious doesn’t mean I am incapable of deep intimacy and affection! Because I am not, and never will be, a hyper-physical or ‘huggy’ person does not point to some deep character flaw or failure of soul…

Sometimes, I do not understand the world or people in it. Sometimes, I do not understand what it is other people search for, respond to, are disgusted by, are attracted to, need, or want. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I want or even how to get there.

But I do know this: I will not apologize for who I am. Enough! It’s enough.

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About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.

Discussion

5 thoughts on “No more apologies

  1. Re: “Why does ‘my love’ need to look like ‘your love’?”

    Love is all so much interpretation of actions; oftentimes the message intended is not the one received. This is inherent to all types of communication, really. But between intimates (or past or present), the message is all too often misconstrued.

    Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages? I ask because Physical Touch (*not* sexual, that’s something different) as an expression of love is fraught with challenges, and I’ve been on both sides of that “this is what love looks like” equation. So when you say “…I am not, and never will be, a hyper-physical or ‘huggy’ person does not point to some deep character flaw or failure of soul…”

    I relate, in a multitude of ways.

    Posted by Mrs Fever | 28 February 2014, 1411 EST
    • I am familiar with the book – in fact, it’s one I go back to often when I’m feeling a little stuck. Physical Touch (in the non-sexual way) can be challenging for me; my real preference is Acts of Service, the little, small things, go much, much further — that’s the way I generally show affection and while, of course, I can meet someone halfway, to be judged for not being *the same* is harsh.

      Relationships are always challenging because they involve at least two people! (So much easier with one…)

      Posted by Quinn | 28 February 2014, 1452 EST
      • I found this quote, credited to Vera Nazarian, that I thought I would share:

        “Once upon a time there were two countries, at war with each other. In order to make peace after many years of conflict, they decided to build a bridge across the ocean.

        But because they never learned each other’s language properly, they could never agree on the details, so the two halves of the bridge they started to build never met.

        To this day the bridge extends far into the ocean from both sides, and simply ends half way, miles in the wrong direction from the meeting point.

        And the two countries are still at war.”

        *

        We are *not* the same. And only when both parties recognize ~ or rather, embrace ~ that fact, can a common language be found to build a better half-way bridge.

        *

        As for the book… I think each of us speaks all the Languages, but with varying degrees of fluency, and we read each Language with vast differentiations of understanding. Over time, as I have changed, so have my degrees of fluency and levels of understanding. And as I get older, it is Quality Time that becomes more and more important to me.

        Posted by Mrs Fever | 28 February 2014, 1511 EST
      • I know that I’m still growing and there is much room for it. I suppose, perhaps, that time will increase my fluency in the other languages.

        I guess my struggle is that all of us *know* that we are not the same and yet we still trip over it. With this current situation, I didn’t see it coming — I’d recognized from the start that this could have it’s own challenges but I was up for it, how else do you live and learn?

        And yet, I was alone in that openness. Ah, c’est la vie.

        Posted by Quinn | 28 February 2014, 1543 EST
      • Fluency… One can hope. 😉 I often feel like I’m in the “picture book” stages of literacy with some of the people in my life. o_O

        Posted by Mrs Fever | 28 February 2014, 1548 EST

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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

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