Last night, someone called me high-maintenance and questioned my ability to be intimate and display affection. In the moment, I was offended, insulted even…but after an awkward text conversation and a ragged (yet still definitive) permanent parting of ways and involvement, the feelings of offense had become mixed with mild, but genuine, hurt.
You see, I am tired of apologizing.
I am a person who enjoys nice things, but I’m not materialistic nor do I expect anyone that I become involved with to “keep me” in that style. I have worked hard in a not so easy industry for a number of years and I will not apologize for the freedoms and enjoyments that have been the result of that hard work and effort.
In addition, I grew up under the mighty hand of a mighty G-d, and I am cautious to remember that “he that is standing should be wary that he does not fall” and so I check my feet all of the time. All that I have can be taken away from me; nothing in this life is guaranteed from one day to the next, so while we may have what seem to be vastly different stations in life, we all live upon the precipices of time and unforseen occurrences.
Therefore, please, stop throwing “value bombs” at me, undeserved pejoratives! Don’t judge me on the surface — there is so much more beneath.
Secondly, and perhaps most hurtfully, why does “my love” need to look like “your love”? I’ve asked this question before in a different context, but it still stands. So I am not ‘over the top’ and perhaps I am not “in love with love” — being reserved or cautious doesn’t mean I am incapable of deep intimacy and affection! Because I am not, and never will be, a hyper-physical or ‘huggy’ person does not point to some deep character flaw or failure of soul…
Sometimes, I do not understand the world or people in it. Sometimes, I do not understand what it is other people search for, respond to, are disgusted by, are attracted to, need, or want. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I want or even how to get there.
But I do know this: I will not apologize for who I am. Enough! It’s enough.