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musings

The hardest choice

We are approaching a crucible, you and I, and I fear that everything we have worked for in the past two years is at risk. We are putting our lives at risk and for what, for what, I dare not say.

This struggle of ours may destroy us both.

You think I don’t know that the reason for your rage, your pedantic reliance upon statistics (really, you, speak to me of numbers, does not the absurdity of that even give you a slight pause?) to prove my decision-making faulty, your pushing of me to recant my feelings, recant my thoughts, recant my sentiments—you think I don’t know that this is less about me and more about you?

It’s always like that, you know, we treat people the way we want to be treated. You’re angry at yourself and you are taking it out on me and honey, I’m getting tired of it.

My life is mine, and mine alone, to crash into walls, to upend and destroy. My life is mine, and mine alone, to squander on booze, women, and song, if I so choose. My love is mine, and mine alone, to waste on anyone I care to, no matter how unsuitable, unformed and uninformed, young, and silly you may think her to be.

And that was your choice. Oh! You think I didn’t know that either?

You made a choice nearly two years ago and you have not only stuck with it, you have doubled down. Your inner hesitations about all of those choices, the explosive first and the subsequent ones, are not for me to fix, not for me to repeat so as to justify your making of them.

You chose her, honey, and while it didn’t break my heart, I felt it like a boot to the chest. I felt it and you did, too, but you made your choice. You can’t go back; we can’t go back—I can’t be braver with you, I can’t find the courage I didn’t have then to say: “Stop! I–”

We can’t change the past. We can’t even change the future. We can only effect the present, this moment, and live with all the fallout.

Stop fighting me, please, I can’t bear it, I can’t take it, not from you. We built this life together and it is only because of you that I now have the courage to do things, to say things, that may change my life for the better. Don’t let your fears get in the way of our friendship. I need you, now, more than ever, but not to hold me back but to push me forward.

Can you do that? I need you to do just that. I need you to love me that way because that was the way I loved you, then, and the way I love you now.

Make a choice now, darling, and please, let it be the right one.

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About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.

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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

February 2014
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