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musings

Back to the beginning

Do you remember? Do you remember when it was easy, so easy to just breathe and play and live and love? Hours, hours that slipped away, minutes and seconds lost to secrets and whispers and the gentle comfort of knowing up was up and down was down and when someone said “I miss you” you missed them and when you said “I love you” you heard it echoed back without the contemplation, the consideration, the worry or anxiety that it was a lie or a trick or not enough or too much or–

I remember when the world was simple. I remember when I was simple, too. I remember believing in people and things; I remember when I had faith.

I don’t have it anymore and I ache for the person I once was and I ache for the knowledge that I will never be that person again.

You cannot hit the reset button. You cannot rewind the tape. All I want is to go back, to go back to the beginning and to play the story out again except this time I don’t give up. Except this time I don’t let the inevitable hurt sink in, sink in past my skin, through my nerves, into muscle, into bone, into my very anima.

This time I let it happen and I let it go. I let it go so that it doesn’t warp me, knit into me bitterness and suspicion and a penchant towards the expectation that malice is a default setting: that people will leave you, that they will hurt you simply because they can or don’t care or can’t help themselves, that people cannot be trusted.

That’s the truth that I wish I had never learned and I wish I could forget: that people, anyone who exists and walks around, who speaks, who breathes, who isn’t attached to you (and even they are but are in the possession of their own mind and will) cannot ever be trusted. Not for an instant.

Do you remember? Do you remember a time when the world wasn’t so cold and anxious and quantified and deserving of analysis and gamesmanship? I hate the mindgames; I hate the bloodsport of living and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to have to think so hard.

It’s not supposed to be this hard!

I just want to be. I want to be; I want to love; I want to play; I want to live. Simply.

I would give anything to forget. I would give everything to go back to sprawling in summer grass, feeling the touch of the wind on my skin, hearing the back and forth of frolic of birds, the exquisiteness of a hand in mine that soothed rather than stumbled, shoes-less and sock-less feet pressed into clean sand, a sky bluer than your eyes, a sea as deep as my faith–

Anything. Everything. Take it, take it all, take everything that I have in this life, all of it, have it all! It’s worth nothing in comparison.

I just want to go back to the beginning, back to when it all made sense.

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About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.

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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

January 2014
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