They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
I think that’s stupid.
Generally, I don’t talk about the explicit specifics about my life on this site but today I’m going to make an exception and peel back the onion. As of last night I’m nearly a week away from 3 months after breaking up with my girlfriend. What have I been up to? Some ridiculously fun nights out with friends:
- Priceless last photo of 2013: At a small New Year’s Eve dinner party where my gay preppy twin and I duckfaced with her in an AND1 sweatshirt from her girlfriend’s dad who assumed she was hood because she was from Bushwick
- Reconnecting with the BFF: We debated Didion, anonymous blogs like this one, our individual writing projects and 2014 goals, and ate really good, unhealthy food at places we love – we did our thing!
- Rolling into a black Greek frat party: So epic that a) my right ear is still ringing nearly 2 weeks later from the music and b) I nearly got stilleto’ed by a pack of sorors for picking up on their guys
- Grad student Christmas Eve house party: Met two lovely women, drank great mulled wine, and agreed to start climbing at Brooklyn Boulders in the next two months
- Last night which spanned in terms of events, locations, activities, and conversation, in no particular order: the Brooklyn Museum, the Gaultier Exhibit, whiskeys + hot toddies, BAM Rose Cinema, a BBQ joint, listening to an Afrobeat/Brazilian big band concert, the statistically excessive prevalence of black judges on TV shows, a friend-sourced answer to my question of can you get over a bad first kiss (if you’re curious, the answer was: eh, probably not), cooking projects by a friend who is now in culinary school: how to make a pink consommé, making dinner reservations at L’Ecole to taste her cooking, Terminator + emergence Skynet/the NSA, time travel and time paradoxes, BBC shows, non-bamboo flutes and idiot customs officials, narcotourism versus narcoterrorism, how shitty the n+1 magazine launch parties are, early American letters, a debate on the timing of/how the American cultural identity was formed, and when chemistry with someone is so good that your “panties literally distintegrate” (direct quote!)
I haven’t just been hanging out with friends, though. I have been dating, note: not “getting under”. All of these lovely women are, as one of my friend’s would say, “more suitable” for me than my ex on paper. However, paper proves to be a poor substitute for chemistry – you know, that initial mutual attraction. I’ve never succeeded on dating people with whom I’ve lacked that, so, guess not so suitable?
That said, I did meet one woman with whom it was…electric (sizzle!) but somehow she’s the only one who I have not managed to go on a date with. Yet!
Last night, two of my friends asked me three questions that I have initial answers to, but I’m going to mull over further. Here, this is me sharing:
1. Have I not been “feeling attracted” because I’m still in love with my ex?
No. Whether I’m single or in a relationship, I sense chemistry. I just handle it differently. I have chemistry with all of my friends; that is not accidental. I know what I look for and I know what it feels like.
2. Do I want my ex back because I’m “cuffing” (ha! best ridiculous term ever) or because I genuinely want her?
This one is harder—I don’t know. I think of how my life has been recently: checking out new places and spaces, leisurely weekend afternoons of coffee shops, walking the city, writing productively, reading!, listening to music, live concerts, visiting museums and going to lectures, new parties, exploring a new-found Netflix addiction, and the series of humorous pond-shallow and yet ocean-deep conversations with my friends, and I don’t know. I can’t remember if I did that with my ex or if it was, is, possible to be with her and to continue to do all of this. Together.
I do know that I physically (not sexually) miss her and I miss the emotional comfort of her. I miss the consistency and safety. Still, I also recognize that our initial chemistry became muted — part of that is the natural wave of novelty wearing off, but it can also a sign that other things weren’t right in the relationship. I don’t think we ever talked about or even figured out why it was happening, changing…
So, I don’t know.
3. Want and action are different things – would I actually get back together with my ex?
I removed her from my Facebook (I was told this was incredibly harsh on my part! I do not understand why), all of my other social media, and all of the contact lists for my phones/devices. I deliberately took the decision out of my hands because while I historically (as in never have I ever) do not revisit the scene of the crime, I’m not opposed to it here. But, it can’t just be me.
Lots of people recycle their exes out of knee-jerk response and loneliness. If we were to get back together, it has to be more than that, and it has to be more than me wanting it — I need it to be mutual. I wouldn’t want a return to the old, I want something that would work which means we would have to talk through, to work through, the ugly things. That can’t be a one-sided thing. And because of how it ended, it also can’t be me being the one to pick up the phone first.
So, again, I don’t know.
Net-net, I’m feeling like my feet are on a stable foundation. Things make sense again. That’s exactly what a post-breakup rebound should do: get you back to SNAFU.
You know: Situation Normal, All Fucked Up. 😉
And now, I’m off to an afternoon DJ set + dance party — bring it on!