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Still gay

I have never dated a guy. This is not from a lack of wanting—will explain that later—but, well, I’m gay. That is mostly synonymous with, oh, not dating guys!

Still, that doesn’t mean that I dislike men. I do like them.

I like their bodies, I like the aesthetic of their bodies (remind me to wax poetic one day about Abercrombie & Fitch men and my computer wallpapers from my college days), I like their scratchy beards, I enjoy the breadth and width and strength of them—fact is, I love men.

The only thing I don’t enjoy, and here is an important thing, is that I’m not keen on their dangly bits. Their “kit” or “tackle” or whatever they want to call it, well, it’s not the sort of thing that stays on my mind.

With women, I like them very much the same: I like their bodies, I like the aesthetic of their bodies, I like the curves and softness and scent of a woman, but conversely, I do enjoy their “not dangly bits”. A woman, whole, clothed or naked, is something, someone, that I desire. It attracts me, emotionally and sexually, and that is the fact.

You see, my love of men has never, ever translated into a sexual attraction to them. This also is not for lack of wanting or even trying. Some evidence:

Ages 14 – 17: Started high school and within the first week had secured the number of a 16 year-old boy on the swim team (athletic, check!) who looked like the slightly older and more mature version of my elementary and junior high school best friend (cute, check! but slightly creepy, yes) and within the first two phone calls my interest had waned. Why? Well, also puttering about was my soon to be high school best friend, C— and after her there was no going back because I would spend the entirety of high school liking her, dating her, breaking up with her, dating her again, and then getting over her. Result: Gay.

Ages 17 – 18: Started college and did two things: 1) vowed not to go after girls for this was one of my first attempts to “be straight for my family/God” and 2) seeing that it was a majority male school it would be easy to find a strapping boy to my taste that would occupy me that time. Within the first month I had found V— who was strangely similar to C— and she would occupy my time the majority of freshmen year though we never ended up doing anything. I hung out with a lot of great guys, tall, short, black, white, Asian, cute, gorgeous, athletic, brilliant, and well… Result: Still gay.

Ages 18 – 21: Met a girl, the friend of a friend, and that was all she wrote. We ended up dating after the end of my sophomore year and did the whole bit: transferred schools to be in the same one, met each other families in varying levels of openness and out-ness, met coworkers, and started talking real estate and changes in location. Alas, we did break up and she still hates my soul. Result: Yes, still gay.

Ages 22 – Now: Wash, rinse, repeat. I went through two or three more cycles of making a fine, fine attempt to give it a go with guys who I genuinely liked, respected, and wanted…aesthetically. Good-looking, fun, smart gentlemen. Some highlights: The Not-Boyfriend who was a close college friend who I adored from head-to-toe, The Belgian which resulted in three cross-Atlantic trips and countless emails, text messages and photographs, The English Pugilist who remains one of my closest friends ever, is possibly one of the manliest men I’ve ever met and the best dressed, the Aussie Antagonist who did not give up after four years of trying and three different companies, and even most recently, as in less than a month ago, I amused myself by picking up a Frat Brother at a black Greek fraternity party because he was tall, good-looking, with the cutest smile ever and very nice eyes. I just wanted to eat him right up! Intermixed between all of that was any number of girlfriends who don’t get any cute names, just respectful initials, because they were real and the gentlemen were not. Result: As expected, still gay.

I spent 14 years of my life not knowing that this was about to happen, 14 years of my life thinking in a tinny, tiny part of my brain that similar to The Little Engine That Could I could will myself into bisexuality if I just met the “right guy”, and the last 2 years just accepting that no matter what, as much as adore the boys and can’t help but flirt with them because they can be so fun, I am gay. I will never sleep with a man. I will never date one. I will never not be gay.

I love men as people but I desire a woman to be that person for me.

Game, set, match: Gay.

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About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.

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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

January 2014
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