I hope you’ve enjoyed the past few days, what I’ve self-titled in my head the “five days of naughty Christmas”. Everyone always focuses on the nice! We all need a little saucy in our lives or maybe a lot, hmm?
But, all fun and gifts aside, this will be my last posting of the year. I shall hang it up until 2014 to rest, to recover, and to spend some time with family, friends and my private thoughts.
A few days ago I made a posting, “Liquid Courage”, that for the first time ever, I wanted to pull back. If you’ll notice, it’s still there. I didn’t. The reason is that the purpose of this blog was to say those words that were troubling, that were difficult, maybe too raw, too honest for the world that we live in. To admit some weakness, either at the bottle or after, to open up to the ugly and shameful and the scary. And it is incredibly scary for me to leave that out there because it’s me at my most naked.
But, I need to do that more often.
In March, when I started this blog, I was experiencing the last heaves of not one, not two, but three heartbreaks, the first starting, most tragically, literally on the first day of 2012, and the last beginning this very week of 2012. In short, while there were some high points to last year, overall, it was not the most sterling of my years on this good, green Earth.
I am not ending 2013 in any different shape than I came in. My apologies for the nearly four month hiatus from June to October—I was busy falling in love, and in retrospect, doing a rather poor job of it. If you haven’t caught the theme from October until now, it’s been focused on recovery and acceptance of that botched working on my part. In the middle of that I turned 30 and it has been a delight, a humbling thing, and a relief to know that there is no particular age in which you must get things right and you do have all the answers.
But, I’m not done yet. I’ve not thrown in the towel. If the past two years have felt like waves and waves of loss, they have also had some highs and joys that I wouldn’t trade anything for. Last night, one of my closest friends at heart (though furthest in distance, she lives in Hong Kong and I in New York), told me some very good things about myself, which were nice to hear. She then reminded me that what makes me wonderful is that I “keep my heart open in spite of everything.”
After that she said something mean about putting some folks in a cage and drowning them in cellulite, another reason that I love her—prodigious amounts of creative rage.
Seriously, though, I don’t want to disappoint her. And I won’t.
I have a favorite David Foster Wallace quote: “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” And it’s true. I have struggled—I have held on, I have fought to keep what I felt I deserved, to keep what I felt I needed, to keep what I felt without I would break to pieces, to keep what I loved and loved and loved and well, this is the time for letting go of it all. The claw marks are here on this site; they give witness, stand as evidence, and now? Now, I’m done.
Lastly, the part I love most about the closing of a year: the gratitude.
Some of you, dear readers, have been with me since the beginning. I appreciate your staying around even through the clumsy, the over-intellectualized, the disconnected, the filthy, the overwrought, and perhaps the even puerile postings I’ve presented over the course of that time. Thank you.
And all of you, newer or older, have encouraged me to keep going because something I have written has managed to resonate with you. You understood, you empathized, sympathized, and you made me feel not so alone in this day-to-day living of which we all must do.
For those of you that celebrate, I hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas. And for those of you that don’t, I still hope you were able to spend some time with friends and family. I wish for you all to end the year on a good note, to have a wonderful New Year’s Eve – my plans aren’t yet set but my fingers are crossed – and that you ring in the year ready, steady, and full of anticipation for an excellent 2014.
I hope to see you next year where, should it still be given me the ability to, I’ll continue to write words which will touch you someplace deep, someplace sensitive, someplace raw that is in the need of attention and care, or just a listening ear, some congruence and mutuality, and a strong cup of tea.
My song to you for the end of 2013 is “Snow” by Sleeping At Last and please take and keep all of my good wishes for 2014.