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essays, modern love

Modern Love: The Depravity of ‘Fucking’

I was driving home the other day listening to one of the Sirius comedy stations and this comedian runs this joke called “Relationships” where he 1) histrionically complains about his girlfriend being intelligent and a feminist and 2) sneers about doing it “doggy style” and that’s not ever “‘making love’ it’s just ‘fucking'” and that we’re animals and she should just get used to it.

On the surface, the very thin, sliver-depth of surface, I suppose I could see my way to the humor in this. He’s a clever storyteller: uses voices and pauses to demonstrate just how “uptight” she is and her “nagging” through his ‘thump-thump-thump’ (i.e. her head against the wall) as he’s “doggy style fucking” her and he plays the crowd for it and they love it. They love it.

They love how degrading it is: for him and for her. They love how he puts her down for being smart; they love how he puts himself down for not wanting anyone smarter than him; they love how he puts her down for going to a good college; they love how he puts himself down by calling both of them animals and this is just what we’re all reduced to. “If you want a relationship to stick then after two or three nights of ‘making love’ there had better be fucking.”

There’s that word again. And you know something? Of all the places I am happy to use the word “fucking”, in my bed is not one of them.

Now, I am not a prude. Nor by making that statement am I saying that anyone who only wants gentle ‘lovemaking’ (quotes necessary) is a prude; we all have our desires, our needs and our reasons. All said, I like gentle nights and sometimes I do want something a bit more aggressive, a bit more athletic. I like to think of it as nights that I want “to rock”. Or nights where I don’t want to be invested in this in my head but I want to be centered by my body.

That does not make me an animal. That does not degrade me to “fucking”.

Animals fuck. In the wild there is savagery that you see which would turn your stomach. Males of various species “mount” and “take” what they want; they impregnate with abandon; they rape – or, what we as conscious, thinking human beings would call ‘rape’. Not all species do this, of course, but it’s prevalent enough in the animal kingdom for it to be understood as something of a fact.

Is that what you want in your bedroom? Is that how you want to consider your sexual activities? Is that how you want to frame it?

You know, there is nothing wrong with doggy style other than, oh, maybe the name of it. Physically, directionally, it’s just plain rear entry of one particular variety versus another which you can easily imagine. But can we talk about it for just a moment? There’s a huge mental aspect to it: it’s one of trust. It’s one of power, domination, and submission. And it sure as hell is aggressive but aggressive doesn’t make it the same to, oh, a bitch being mounted in heat.

I’m not about to get into the morals of the various types of sex and interests, the number of sexual partners, monogamy, fidelity, et al., but can we please, please stop fucking each other? Can we please stop equating ourselves with unthinking, unreasoning beasts who take what they want irrespective of their partner’s pain, desires, wants, needs, worries, squicks, hesitations, likes or dislikes?

When we call it that, when we think of it that way (really, truly, and deeply), when we act like that, we degrade ourselves. We are all sexual beings but we are not animals.

So can we fucking stop it with the “fucking” already?

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About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.

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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

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