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musings

Prickly honor

There is a saying in Sun Tzu’s Art of War regarding prickly honor and the existence of that being a weak point for a general. Of all the many faults I think I have that probably sits in the top five.

I have very, very prickly honor.

I have never been okay with being made a fool of… Sure, everyone is the butt of the joke at some point and being the youngest of perhaps too many has made that a not unfamiliar state for me when I was younger. But now, as an adult? It doesn’t happen often. I have razor wit, I know it, and I’ve never been afraid to use it. I get my words out first.

And I don’t take my armor off often. I think I’ve forgotten how.

Therefore, I’m not used to being vulnerable. Which means when things do occur, and they do because no one is infallible, it stings. I’m enough of an adult to roll with it but that doesn’t mean I like it.

But in my personal life when I feel I’ve been made a fool of? Oh, I’m immediately in a rage. My temper cannot be quelled.

I hate it.

I hate that I get so angry but I also hate that I’ve let my guard down. I blame myself for setting myself up. So the roar is more at the mirror than it is at anyone who may have played a part in slicking the dance floor so that I would fall… I hold myself most responsible.

And if there is anyone more unforgiving of me than me I would love to meet that person. I just know they don’t exist.

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About Quinn

In it but not of it. A reformed player, now watcher. Speaker of raw truths.

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Raison d’etre

"Raw," she said. "I want something primal. I want something bare and naked. I want you to give me this life raw, unbidden, unhidden, free, fair, and true. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?"

One may only try.

November 2013
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